Remembrance
by Megami.Ze
Summary: She's gone. I know that she is. And I'm not trying to fool myself. I know she's dead. But... I can see her, I can touch her, I can feel her. And I don't want it to go away... I don't want to forget. ShikaTema. Rated M. Dark/Tragedy


_A/N: I suck. Yeah, generally. This probably sucks too. Shows what you get for experimenting. This is also long. I suck. I haven't written in months and then I come out with... this. It's how summer would say... "I love my emo-cake!" ;D I mean. I don't know what I was on when I wrote this but it is sad. Like very sad, so I'm just warning you. And I think it's bad, at first I thought it was so awesome and I was so proud but towards the end it was just bad, and I'm probably only going to get like 4 to 5 reviews which really sucks considering I have spent two months planning this out on paper, writing it in rough and continually cheking it with my friend. But hey, try and enjoy!_

_Dedicated: To Summer, even though this isnt the kind of story you should dedicate to such a happy and bubbly person. (Hey, I just wanted to dedicate it to _someone._)_

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Remembrance

* * *

_I thought love would last forever, I was wrong._

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* * *

  
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_I'm waiting._

_-------------------------------------_

She died on the 23rd of October.

I lost everything that day; my future wife and my future family.

It's amazing how everything can be taken away… just like that.

…

She was on my squad. She died on my watch.

And I can't live with myself for that.

The only thing that keeps me sane is: knowing she would have wanted to go the way she did: Protecting everything that was important to her.

She defended her village, her family, her friends… and me.

I don't know if I'm heartless to think this, but…

I wish she hadn't…

Because then she would still be with me.

_-------------------------------------_

_I'm praying._

_-------------------------------------_

A shocked, sympathizing hand found his. He didn't even notice it.

"I'm sorry, Shikamaru…" Tsunade uttered.

Soft sobs and sniffs came from Hinata, on his right. "Temari-san…"

Sakura was the one who held his hand, her other covered her mouth in disbelief. "But Tsunade-sama… she was stable… she was recovering!" Sakura insisted helplessly.

He tensed visibly.

"Sakura…" Tsunade warned. She shot a warning glance at her apprentice before returning her sympathetic gaze back to him. "It's very rare, but possible-"

"But wasn't she recovering?!"

"Sakura!" Tsunade barked angrily. A still, suffocating silence filled the air. It settled around them like fog. Only Hinata broke the silence with almost hidden sobs.

He was barely aware that Tsunade has begun to speak again. His mind seemed numb, broken.

"-really am sorry, she just crashed… and we couldn't do anything…"

For the first time since he had heard the news of his lover's death Shikamaru showed a sign of reaction and understanding, although it was only a vague and dazed nod.

Hinata's shaky voice split the reformed silence.

"Was… w-was she in… pain?" she choked out.

Tsunade's brow drooped considerably and she cast a guilty glance at her apprentice and at him before hastily looking away. She tried her best to smile.

"No, she wasn't in any pain. Even until the end."

Tsunade knew. Sakura knew. _He _knew.

That she was lying.

His fist clenched so tightly he felt his palm become moist.

He felt the collected stares that seemed to burn into his skin. They all judged him. They all pitied him. That's it… they pitied him.

"Well, that's very depressing… she was a great shinobi, and she will be missed dearly." He didn't even hear the words coming out of his own mouth. He just wanted to leave, to run away from the stares.

There was almost a collective of gasps. A few hurried and confused looks were exchanged between women, silently asking each other if the rumors were actually false: that they weren't together, and were in fact, just friends and comrades.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to." He excused himself without permission and left the office quietly and professionally.

Sakura looked to her master in a state of utter shock. The rumors were _false?_ Tsunade couldn't offer an explanation. Sakura turned towards Hinata but her question died in her throat.

They all heard it.

And they all suddenly understood.

They all heard the scream of anguish.

And all they could do was hold each other's hands in a moment of sympathetic silence.

_-------------------------------------_

_Realize._

_-------------------------------------_

He couldn't even make five steps.

He couldn't even make five steps before he limply fell against the wall and slid down numbly.

He could barely even _think_. He could barely even _understand. _He could barely even _comprehend _what he had just heard.

Temari? Gone?

Her face, gentle and soft, framed by loose golden hair and the sheets of his bed overcame his mind. Her deep teal eyes sparkled with mischief and happiness.

You mean… he was never going to see that again.

Just like _that?_

The tears were already half way down his face by now, and he didn't care.

He didn't consider himself a man anymore. He let her get hurt, he let her die. He was no man, he was a disgrace. He was _pathetic. _He didn't even have the _right _to save face.

His fist cracked against the wall, whether the sound was from his fist or the wall he wasn't sure.

"Damnit…"

_Crack._

He beat the other fist into the wall.

Both his wrists trembled as he tried to put all his weight in them.

"Damnit…"

_Crack. Crack._

His head dropped between his arms and he felt the tears drip from his face. He clenched his jaw trying to keep his emotions at bay.

_Crack. Crack!_

But it was no use; it just felt like someone had ripped out his heart with their bare hands.

"_Hey… Shikamaru…"_

_Sigh. "Yes, woman?"_

"_I… I love you, ok? Remember that."_

"_Wha-"_

_Her eyes, pierced his, filled with truth._

"_I will, always."_

His eyes widened, the tears pooled and overflowed, and his teeth clenched to the point of almost breaking.

She was gone.

So he screamed.

He screamed as loud as he could, towards the ceiling. An incoherent scream filled with anguish, loss and sadness. He didn't even know what he sounded like. All he knew was that he would never touch, see, taste or feel her again.

His fists kept crushing into the wall, his bones slowly fracturing and breaking.

He didn't notice, didn't care.

He needed to punish himself.

_CRACK!_

"Shikamaru! Oh my god!" He felt small hands grab at his arms and try to stop them from damaging themselves.

"What are you _doing?! _You are _breaking_ your hands! Are you-?!" He felt the hands turn his arms over. "Are you… crying?"

He breathed in deeply over his lips, although they were ragged and torn from crying.

"Temari-" Although he wanted to talk, wanted to say something. Even at the mention of her name his face scrunched up awaiting new tears.

But it wasn't needed.

Ino understood.

So, she let go of both his arms, stood back, and nodded slightly.

_CRACK. CRACK._

_CRACK. CRACK._

Ino had to turn around and look away (and wince – _CRACK! CRACK!_) She couldn't stand to see her best friend like this.

_CRACK! CRACK!_

Completely breaking his arms and endlessly sobbing.

Over the loss of the love of his life.

_-------------------------------------_

_Start hating._

_-------------------------------------_

I saw her.

I saw her a week after the funeral.

When the rumors were still flying. Except these rumors were about his absence at the funeral (_"was it actually false?" _– they would whisper).

I saw her when the last rumor had broken. Except that one was true. That I had broken down in front of her grave.

When I managed to get home…

Managed to survive another day…

I saw her.

_-------------------------------------_

_Is it over yet?_

_-------------------------------------_

He sat on his kitchen floor.

Trying not to remember when they had made love on it.

_Small scowl. "The floor's cold."_

_Smile. "Stating the obvious, I see?"_

_Grins. "Yes, but I'm not concerned._

"_No?"_

_Her arms wrapped around him and she breathed hotly on his neck._

"_No. Because it won't be in a couple of minutes."_

His head limply thumped against the cabinets.

This was too much. Everything was too much. Too much of her. Just the thought that he would never speak with her again ripped him apart. He couldn't stand it.

It glinted welcomingly at him.

So sharp, so painful, so _easy._

He found himself stumbling up and reaching for it.

Was this the solution, was this the answer to his problem. Would he see her again after this, or would this just help him get over her.

Whatever this fixed he was fine with it.

"_Oh… my… god."_

_Small laugh. "Yeah."_

_Big breath. "Wow."_

"_The floor..." Grin._

_Chuckle. Kiss. "I love you, Shikamaru Nara."_

Because then he would stop remembering.

His fingers wrapped around it, with every intention to make everything stop, but they slacked.

She was there.

Right in _front _of him.

She stood a few steps away, looking at him gently.

She said nothing, her eyes spoke for her. Sympathetic eyes, sad eyes. Eyes that were discouraging him to do this.

It made him think, what happens if I don't remember her?

What then?

She looked so sad, so scared, so worried. Her teal eyes still pierced his.

"Temari…"

It dropped to the floor with a clatter.

Then she smiled, brightly. Like she did the first time, and the last time. She smiled at him gently, seemingly happy.

And before he could reach out to her she was gone.

So he fell to the ground and cried.

_-------------------------------------_

_In my head._

_-------------------------------------_

I didn't see her just once.

I saw her repeatedly after that.

But it was only ever seeing, never feeling or touching.

Do you even know how that feels? To only see her, looking as perfect as the last day I saw her. All curves and sandy blonde hair. Her eyes would shine, but missed life.

That's how I knew she wasn't real.

So that's why I'm not sure if I'm relieved because the dreams came, or devastated…

Because, now it's so much harder to forget.

_-------------------------------------_

_Is it over yet?_

_-------------------------------------_

On that night.

A month after her death.

He dreamt of their last time together.

"_Temari! What are you doing?" He whispered in shock._

_The ivory yukata that she wore fell from her hands onto the floor. "What does it look like genius?" She replied with a smile; a smile that was reserved only for him._

_He tried to distract himself. "Gaara and Kankurou could be back any time!" He reasoned. _

"_Since when has that ever stopped us?" She grinned as he flushed with embarrassment._

"_That's not the point…" His argument fell short as she removed the rest of her clothing. He gulped audibly as she cocked her head to the side and beckoned him towards her with a slender finger._

_He sighed deeply and pulled his shirt over his head._

_Damn woman had him wrapped around her finger._

_She smiled knowingly as she sat, perched on the windowsill. It amazed him how she could be so comfortable and confident as she sat before him, completely bare. _

_His hand found her hips and he held them softly. Her eyes were dancing; filled with triumph and mischief. Her small fingers released his hair from his hair band and pushed a fallen strand behind his ear._

_He kissed her then, long and slow, drawing it out, making sure to taste her. She caressed her tongue with his before pulling back slightly and biting her lip. Her fingers were gentle and fell across his back, lightly scratching so he felt the heat there. His hands slid behind her back and pushed her forward._

"_You really are spoilt, you know that?" He chided softly, doing nothing to hide his grin. "Always getting what you want."_

_She scowled slightly at the comment._

_So cute._

_Her hands slid across his shoulders and around his neck. He could feel the goosebumps there now. This woman… she had such an effect on him. _

"_Come now…" She argued softly. "Is it so wrong to get what I want?" As she said that her legs lightly wrapped around his hips, connecting loosely at the ankles. He grinned at her and leaned forward for another kiss._

_But she backed away, surprising him. _

_Suddenly she wasn't playful, but serious and meaningful. Her eyes reflected that. "Besides, I need you now. We never know what might happen on this mission, or the next… or any mission for that matter…" Her voice was softer, tender. If only she knew that that side of her was what drove him mad. _

_He leant forward and molded their lips together gently. Her hands didn't move from his neck, didn't push him forwards. He knew that she wanted him to speak. And he wanted to reassure her that he would never die, she would never die. He pulled back slightly, still close enough to kiss her. _

"_Temari, you worry too much… everything is going to be fine," he assured._

The tragic irony of that now.

_The smile on her face lit up the darkness to him. Her fingers threaded through his hair. Her expression turned to a sultry, teasing one, but it still had the tenderness. The look made his heart stop and start beating erratically. That looked filled him with excitement and anticipation which made him restlessly uncomfortable. _

_Unable to wait anymore, he gently kissed her again, wanting to be tender, since she still seemed to be a little emotionally exposed. But when she moaned when their tongues touched he felt something snap. It amazed him how she could do that. _

_Her legs tightened which caused him to become too restless, too excited. She pulled herself towards him slightly, kissing him deeply, drawing it out. His hand slipped from her lower back and hung limp for a few moments before he reached for her chest._

_She pulled her lips away and looked up, closed her eyes tightly for a moment and reopened them. Her eyes mesmerized him, all shining teal behind thick black lashes. She breathed out, but her breaths shuddered violently. She was already breathless from him toying with her breasts._

_She drew him closer with her legs, pressing him flush against her. He groaned softly at the feeling of everything. Everywhere felt hot…_

_She smirked as she pressed the centre of his lust closer to where he needed her. He almost growled._

_She knew what she did to him._

_So he surprised her and took the initiative. He quickly secured his grip on her and lifted her from the windowsill. She deserved more than being against a window where anyone could see._

_He played her down with care you would give to something breakable. She appeared slightly dazed from the gentles of his actions. Many a time they didn't bother with such tender gestures._

_Her face looked so cute, confused and pleased. Her cheeks were flushed with colour. She looked so perfect lying against the futon, framed by silky white. Her curves flowed gently in the dim light of the night. The light caught her eyes; all filled with mischief and happiness. He was still in disbelief that he had her._

_So he began to remind himself._

He suddenly awoke gasping as if he had been drowned.

With severely lost balance and movement restricting sheets he toppled onto the floor in a dazed heap and waited for his vision to clarify.

His recovering forearms throbbed with pain and the sweat covering his body began to cool.

But his body felt like it was on fire. He was _burning. _His blood was racing through his body towards every nerve ending.

Covered in a sweat and undeniably aroused was when he realized what he felt.

He trembled as he tried to get up but only managed to get into a sitting position. He brought his hands to his face and realized they were shaking. He looked at them as if he could see the _feeling_.

The feeling of her on his hands.

He could still feel her curves and hot skin under his fingers. And the feel of her breasts still lingered on his chest and palms. The chills her breath sent were still present on his neck and down his spine.

So his hands gripped his head and his nails dug into his scalp as he curled over.

What was _wrong _with him?

His eyes stung with tears.

_-------------------------------------_

_I can't win._

_-----------------------------------_

It amazing what happened to time when I lost her.

Time would stop, yet race on.

I know I am contradicting myself, but I can't expect you to understand what it feels like.

Time would crawl and barely get past and you would find yourself waiting and pleading for it to carry on, to be done with in hope that it would make you move on.

Yet when the months tick by you wonder if it had really been that long?

If it had really been that long since you had suffered and survived the days.

Since she left me.

_-----------------------------------_

_This will be all over soon._

_-----------------------------------_

He looked up slowly and realized that Ino was standing in front of him.

Her hands were on her hips and she looked at him expectantly.

He suddenly felt self conscious as she waited for him to reply. He hadn't paid the slightest attention to what she was saying.

Due to the fact that _she _was sitting only metres away.

(He was going _insane._)

"Well?" Ino prompted.

He couldn't answer her due to the fact that he didn't know what she was asking so he chose to shrug. That way he could give her any type of answer.

Ino sighed in exasperation and her shoulders slumped in defeat. In a few random and slow movements she rubbed her temples then held her head. She opened her lips to speak and her tone missed the cheerfulness it always possessed.

"For god's sake, Shikamaru… this is ridiculous. It's been four months! We – me and Chouji… and your parents… and – We're all worried about you. You have to move on!"

He knew that she said this all truthfully but he couldn't stop the growing resentment and anger that was bubbling in his chest. And he couldn't stop the glare from passing across his face.

"I can't," He stated through clenched teeth.

"Oh, for crying out- Of course you can!" Her arms flew in the air in her temper. "It's been four months, you just have to move on and forget about her, it's not healthy! Just move-"

_CRACKK!_

Temari interestedly turned her empty eyes towards the kicked in bench and then the pair and somewhere in the distance a flock of birds escaped from the noise.

"I _can't _move on Ino!" He spat. "I can't fucking move on! You can't just come up to me and start telling me that I have to!" His expression twisted into one of disgust. "And after four months – _four months!?_ I fucking lost the only woman I ever loved and you tell me to just get over it in four months! FOUR FUCKING MONTHS?!" He was screaming at her now, and the back of his throat was hurting with furious tears that wanted to escape. "You have never lost anybody so don't even tell me what I should be doing in a situation like this!"

Ino stood stiff as a board seemingly shocked and slightly scared. He had never exploded like that on her before.

"I lost Asuma," She murmured quietly. Shikamaru took a step back as if she had slapped him.

The first shock was that in all their years of friendship they had never spoken about Asuma's passing. But the larger shock was that he had never, until now, compared the loss of Asuma and the loss of Temari. It had never even crossed his mind.

"Don't - don't you even dare compare his death with hers…" He replied shakily. "You can't even begin to understand how it feels." And with that he was done.

Done talking about her.

Done talking about how he felt.

Done talking to Ino.

Done talking to _everyone _who didn't understand.

He stalked off in somewhat dark and lonely retreat. He looked down and avoided turning back towards his friend. He had never felt so tired; he just wanted to be finished with… _this._

He ran a hand through his hair and identified the need for a smoke. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. He brought the silver lighter up to his face and began trying to light it, shielding the flame from the wind.

"Don't you think you were a little hard on her?"

He shot around faster than he could manage and stumbled a few paces.

Temari stared at him quizzically.

"Just a suggestion."

The cigarette fell from his lips.

And that was the first time, outside of his dreams, that he heard her.

_-----------------------------------_

_Pour the salt into the open wound._

_-----------------------------------_

Towards the half way point, 6 months in, I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't alright.

Yes, it took me six months to realize that.

Before you criticize me just think about it. I spent all those months in denial, simply telling myself that I was _going _to be alright; that everything _would _be fine.

Well it won't and it isn't.

So, I'm not ok.

I'm not ok because I won't be with her again. I'm not ok because I let her die. I'm not ok because she still haunts me, like a sick and sadistic reminder.

And when I realized I wouldn't move on, and I thought this was as bad as it got…

Things just got progressively worse.

And, honestly…

Who can actually overcome that?

_-----------------------------------_

_Is it over yet?_

_-----------------------------------_

_His hands roamed over her belly and his fingers danced lightly. He could feel the light clenching of her stomach muscles beneath her skin from his touches._

_It just excited him more._

_She was already past her panting phase. He had found, to his delight, that she went through different phases. First she would be excited and jumpy, then breathless and then gentle and caring._

_But instead of one falling away and the next phase coming to replace it… what actually happened was they would combine, which left him to the point of insanity most times._

_The job of removing their clothes was already done and his hand slid all the way up her leg and towards her centre-_

"_Shikamaru, wait," she pleaded breathlessly._

_He felt like glaring at her, but he knew that would just earn him a smack upside his head._

"_What?" He urged._

"_I need to tell you something…" _

_He stared at her in disbelief; his hand was almost hurting with the want to continue to wander. "Um… now is a bad time… don't you think?" She pouted cutely from being denied. He leant forward and molded their lips together. His other hand slipped up and fondled with her breasts and she moaned slightly before suddenly jerking away._

"_But… but it's important," she almost gasped._

"_Temari," he sighed exasperatedly. "This is also kind of important… don't you think?" He held her chin gently. She looked into his eyes for a moment and nodded slowly. He kissed her soundly. "I promise I will listen to you afterwards… we have all the time in the world."_

Isn't the irony almost choking?

_She smiled a little; it was the face that he dubbed the 'fantasy face' because he could tell she thought of the future with that face. He kissed her out of the blue that took her by surprise. "Besides, it's in your best interest… right now… I don't think I could come up with any functional answer to what you have to say." He stated before gesturing to his current 'situation'._

_She smirked at him mischievously. _

"_I wonder what made you like that." She asked in mock interest. She flipped her hair over her right shoulder and looked at him through eyes that glinted. He just smirked in response before taking the upper hand and dipping his fingers between her legs._

_The instant afterwards she stiffened and threw her head back in ecstasy. _

_Temari was never one to make much noise when they had sex. She only ever did that when he really exerted himself. But the noises she did make entranced him and the movements she made; the way her body reacted towards him; was better than any scream that anyone could produce. She trembled a lot._

_And she was now. She squirmed and shivered under his movements of delving deeper into her. Her legs trembled. She constantly slid her legs further away then, suddenly, retracted them at random intervals._

_She was all tense around him; her thighs locked around his hands, and her muscles would squeeze and relax before locking again. Even her feet would tense; her toes would point sharply before she would pull back her leg slightly and try to slacken. The best way to describe her right now was…_

_Restless._

_He pushed in deeper before adding another digit. He didn't know if he was twisted or sick to always be so interested and aroused when he watched her face while he pleasured her._

_She would always throw her head back by a few inches and her cheeks would heat up until they glowed red. Her lips would part and her jaw would hang in such a way so that he could feel her panting breaths wash over him, and everything they would live shivering with restrain._

_She drew out a long whimper as his finger hooked inside her._

"_Oh…" she moaned softly. _That _drove him insane. She inhaled sharply as she closed around him._

_She reached out and placed her hands behind his head. She gingerly played with his hair, trying to loop it with her fingers between the waves of heated pleasure._

_She was in her gentle phase now._

_He leaned slightly closer to her, to look into her eyes that had become glassy and crystal clear. She offered him a small smile; one that reached her eyes. This was the time when they were the most intimate, because Temari's emotional barrier had finally lowered completely._

_She gently cradled his head with one hand, gliding her fingers through his hair. _

_Then her back arched impossibly high and her fingers scratched his head but he barely noticed, because her movements enticed him. She remained in an arch, as if all the muscles in her body had tensed and she couldn't move. Her breathing was slow and shallow. _

_A violent shiver wracked over him as a new wave of restraint assaulted him. He hoped that she wouldn't notice… but she did._

_She raised a slender eyebrow at him and he looked away slightly ashamed. He had no right to rush her. A soft slender finger forced him to look back at her. She twisted her body slightly so that she was more comfortable (and looked more enticing)._

_And then she beckoned him with a finger and a gentle nod._

_Without hesitation, without any thought he slipped into her with a groan and a soft kiss to her damp forehead. _

_And they moved as one entity for hours on end, not finding any need to ever stop._

_She gasped as a scream built in her throat. "Shika-"_

He shot up gasping once again.

The clothes clung to him with sweat. Her skin, her warmth, _all _around him was still present. As if she was lying on him this very moment.

But the realization numbed all of the painful reminders and feelings of her skin.

She had wanted to tell him something…

The guilt and self hatred suffocated him. He gripped at his shirt and his fist clenched. And of course, as if on cue…

"Shikamaru?"

He slowly looked to the side and stared, almost in horror, at the _perfect _image of her, lying next to him in a heap of ruffled and messy sheets. She looked just like her…

Shikamaru never believed in ghosts, and seldom in spirits.

Yet he knew she was neither.

And nothing added up, he felt like he was going _insane_.

Because now her eyes were filled with life, shining and beautiful.

"Yes… T-Temari?" His voice cracked.

"You said you would listen, and I have to get this over with… so…"

"Yes…?" Came his shaky reply, and his heart stopped when she reached out for his head and she held it, because she felt _real. _She brought his head slowly down to her stomach, unashamed of her nakedness.

"Shikamaru, I'm pregnant."

His eyes widened and the common tears stung them again.

Her eyes closed and she looked so serene and peaceful. "Isn't it wonderful?"

His hands slipped around her and he wept, since he knew…

That she and his child were dead now.

_-----------------------------------_

_You take the breath right out of me._

_-----------------------------------_

I remember the day I went to see Tsunade.

I had walked into her office calmly and professionally, since what would I gain from losing my temper?

She asked me what I needed and I asked her out flat.

"Was Temari pregnant?"

And I will never forget the look on her face. She didn't even have to tell me.

She looked at me seriously, slowly linking her fingers together. "Yes, she was."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in a biting tone. She had studied me for a moment before replying.

"What good would have come with it?"

And she was right. What good would have come of it? Look where he was now. 8 months after he was almost at his wits end, and now adding another death to the list was more than he could handle. He couldn't even count how many times he had thought about ending his life.

"More importantly, Shikamaru." I looked at her uninterestedly. I knew what was coming next. I was still a genius after all. "How would you know?"

I could have had said anything and dismissed that question.

But I figured, what's the point, what's the point of trying to hide this, especially from my Hokage.

If I was going down, I should at least tell her.

"Because… I see her."

_-----------------------------------_

_You left a hole where my heart should be._

_-----------------------------------_

He sat on the one side of the window staring out.

She sat on the other.

They had exchanged small talk but it wasn't lively at all. Shikamaru wasn't really used to talking to someone who had died.

So they just stared out the window.

But he just thought.

His hand enclosed over hers and it felt real, and warm. He stared at it as if it would disappear. He often thought that she wasn't actually dead. But he always quickly dismissed it. He didn't want to go to the place of dark denial.

He closed his eyes and blocked out everything but the feeling of her hand.

He just wanted this all to _stop._

How could he attempt to move on with this?

He wanted to forget.

But…

He opened his eyes and looked at her for a while and watched. She turned to him and smiled genuinely. Her hand squeezed his,

Did he really?

_-----------------------------------_

_You've got to fight just to make it through._

_-----------------------------------_

So, this is where I find myself now.

It's been one whole year.

One whole year since she died.

One whole year since I have _survived._

And I find myself in Tsunade's office sitting across from her, as Temari stands in the corner.

Tsunade just stares at me long and hard as I match her gaze. It kind of seems like we are testing eachother. Who will crack first?

Does she expect me to just jump up and start screaming like a rabid lunatic that Temari's alive, that she is real and that I'm not crazy?

Please. I know she isn't alive, she isn't real and that I probably am crazy.

Tsunade shifted slightly, but I say nothing. Temari sighs from boredom seemingly and I don't move an inch. I won't break down, as much as she wants me too. I watch her as she sips some of her sake before she tries to speak, but words seem to fail her as she closes her mouth.

I can see different emotions flash through her eyes. She's obviously thinking very hard. She's probably thinking about how to phrase what she has to say. Her lips open again and she starts to speak.

"You're dying Shikamaru."

I stare at her giving her my undivided attention. It feels as if my stomach just dropped out of my body and my mind is filled with white noise. I manage to glance at Temari who looks knowingly somber. She knew. The whole time. I barely manage to glace back at Tsunade. I feel so betrayed.

Which is stupid, since she isn't alive.

"What?" I managed to ask.

Tsunade remains quiet for a moment before breathing out and explaining. "After your medical examination we found something." She looked up at me and I waited for her to carry on. "A tumor, in the central lobe of your brain."

I sat back in a daze processing what she was telling me.

_Of course. _Of course, it's a tumor.

So I stare at Tsunade and begin to…

_Laugh._

"I'm not crazy!" Was I shouting? I wasn't really sure. Tsunade looked pained as she stared at me as I began to hurt from laughter. I had to clutch at my sides.

"It's been developing for months and it's what's causing your realistic hallucinations."

My laughter had subsided to bitter chuckles. Tsunade took this as a hint to continue.

"I want you to know that this tumor will kill you… but…" I tensed up with interest. "It can be removed with medical ninjutsu with very low risk and you can live happily and healthily."

Now, if I was any other person I would be smiling and thanking and shouting with joy.

But I'm not, and I know there is a missing piece to this conversation.

I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice.

"What's the other part that you are choosing not to tell me, Tsunade?"

She gasped slightly in shock but then her eyes clouded with realization that she knew I would figure it out.

"…even with medical ninjutsu, there is no way to avoid it… you will stop seeing Temari, hearing her… In fact…" her voice died.

"Yes, Tsunade?"

She took a deep sigh before breaking the truth. "You will forget about her completely. You will forget all your memories. You will forget she even existed."

I stared at her in absolute shock.

I could just forget everything?

Just like _that?_

"So what do you say Shikamaru, do you want the operation?"

Surely I should be jumping to her offer and screaming yes!

I mean, this is what I have been wanting for a year.

To forget everything…

For this to be over.

And now she is offering it to me. This can just all be over and I can move on with my life and be happy.

…just… like… _that._

But…

The small smile broke across my lips and my eyes misted with tears of realization.

My eyes connected with Temari who smiled at me lovingly. That bright smile that melted the remains of my heart. Those eyes that caught the sunlight that made me realize…

"No."

I would rather die than forget.

**FIN**

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_The stars are not wanted now, put out every one,_

_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,_

_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods,_

_For nothing now can ever come of any good._

_- W.H. Auden_

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_A/N: Like I said before, this is new and I experimented with my writing style. It was probably a stupid idea and you people probably need Kleenex now. I don't know what possesed me to write such an emo story but it's been written and you've read it, so please do me the pleasure of reviewing and tell me how you felt about it. I'm not sure if this is the kind of style that works or not. Regardless if this story turned out bad, I think the idea was a good one and I was really aiming for some hardhitting stuff. Did I achieve it? But I pretty much sucked and failed... Yeah._

_Song lyrics I used between each section: "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin._

_Please review... pretty please. With sugar ontop?  
_


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